emotions

Lately I have been thinking alot about the ethics of international adoption.  If you aren't an adoptive parent you might not have any idea why this has become such a heated subject among adoptees, adoptive families, birth parents and our countries.   I hesitate to even post about my feelings on the matter, it is so sensitive.  You can almost feel the tension and anger flowing back and forth on FB groups.

You see, before we brought Luke home we didn't have the full picture of international adoption.   We didn't yet understand all the vast complexities.  We researched agencies, talked to adoptive families, friends and prayed (alot!).  We truly did a ton of research.  I always knew adoption is born out of unspeakable loss for the birth family and child, yet our hearts told us there was still a great need.

Now as we are in process for our 2nd adoption, I feel so torn between adoptive parents.  Those that have such anger and those that feel differently. It seems those that are the most upset are the most vocal.  I have to admit sometimes I agree with much of what they say, yet I ALWAYS go back to our son's story and many of the children and mothers I have met during one of my 3 trips to Ethiopia.

What keeps rolling around in my mind is; Why does my son's story not matter?  How can you tell me it is not true?  How can you assume you know what is best for him, rather than his own birth parent?  I have a very good idea of the life he would have had, and it breaks my heart.   Without going into the details of his story, (because that is for him alone) there was no other option for him.  When a society does not give equal rights to a women, nor adequate social services, education or legal help why must we judge a parent for giving up their child?  

How can we judge the teenage girl who is forced into marriage?

The women who is raped?

The father who must pick between which child to feed?

The wife with children who has been left by her husband, for another woman?

The stories go on and on, I know this because I have spoken face to face with women in these situations.  I wish all children could stay with their birth parents, here in the US and abroad, but we live in a broken world.

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not implying that we encourage adoption for those living in poverty.  As an adoptive family I feel we have the deep obligation to serve and help the country that has given us so much.   Programs to help families stay together, programs educating children, working with women in need and growing Ethiopia's domestic and foster care programs.  Until there is no need for adoption every child should still have the right to grow up in a family.

If there is one place I could take someone who is questioning the reason for international adoption it would be to Kolfe Orphanage in Addis Ababa.   The visit I took there still haunts me from time to time.  It is a place stripped of all hope.  It is an older boys orphanage where boys are free to come and go, no one cares, no one is forcing them to live there but they have nowhere else to go except the streets.  The government is not working to find them families.  They are simply left to grow up in what looks more like a run down prison in the heart of the city.  Boys grabbed onto us, begged us to be their mother, begged for sponsorship, begged for any attention, begged for money.  A child should not have to grow up like this.  Skin full of sores, yellow eyes, bent limbs, fungus covering their bodies.  How could I not look into their eyes and not see my sons?  Tears weld up inside of me for days.

What I pray most for is that more of this debating and arguing can be turned into positive energy to improving safeguards against child trafficking.  Close agencies who again and again continue to refer very young babies in record time...almost always abandoned.  I will never forget sitting at our embassy appointment looking at a group of about 10 families with tiny, tiny babies.  How could the proper paperwork and investigations have even been done that fast?  We must work to demand better orphan status verifications and full paperwork.  For agencies to disclose more details when they have them. There is so much work to be done, but let us not forget the rights and needs of the children in all of this.

I pray most of all that every child can grow up in a loving family.

 {photos :: Kolfe Orphanage}